and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
A+ Viking dick
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
