When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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