Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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