I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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