He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
