If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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