I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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