Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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