Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There's always time for handjobs
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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