I think my vagina is haunted
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
