seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i need some magic done to my vagina
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
