someone threw a dead crab at me
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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