Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
