you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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