Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
