My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
