i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
