I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
