3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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