i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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