She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
