Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
3pm strippers are depressing
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
