i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
