We're like a lot better than the average bears
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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