Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
