ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
