roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
