I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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