ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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