i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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