Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
