omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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