apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
