i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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