I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
