i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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