First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
