The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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