I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
