You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just pee around me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
