Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
