Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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