everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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