the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Girls should come with a carfax report
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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