i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
