So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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