I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I want to be your penis for a week.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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