Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Less talking, more tequila
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Shitshow foam night was such a success
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
