i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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