Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His hands were made for my vagina.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Randomize
