Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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