1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
