A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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