Moan for me like Helen Keller
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
