just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
