I'm lost and stupid without you.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
