You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
