I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How does one acquire holy water?
The Olympian is in my bed
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
