He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
