there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
