she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
